To whom it may concern...

Have you heard? Hillary Clinton so deeply cares about the voting rights of people in Michigan and Florida that she sent Barack Obama a letter. (At least that's how it was spelled in the news reports, but I think that sometimes it's pronounced "propaganda" depending on whether you're from inside the Cult of Hillary or the rest of the known universe.)

If you hadn't heard, Michigan and Florida got this great idea and decided to hold their primaries before they were allowed to. The Democratic National Committee told them that if they did that, their primaries wouldn't actually do anything in selecting the Democratic nominee for president. Well, they did it anyway. And they've lost their delegates to the Democratic National Convention. (Wow. Who could have foreseen that? Other than mammals and a number of crustaceans.)

Anyway, Hillary is deeply concerned that these voters' voices will not be heard. So when she said "You know, it's clear this election they're having is not going to count for anything," and "I personally did not think it made any difference whether my name was on the ballot" on October 11 of last year, it was obvious that she was filled with outrage about the disenfranchisement of millions of voters.

Well, when your concern about America's voters reaches a certain critical mass, there's really no other choice than to write a letter and send it to the Senate office of your opponent. (Oh yeah, and also give a press release and the letter to the media.) That's what I always do when I want to get something done. I wanted to eat earlier today and didn't have any food in the refrigerator. Unfortunately, my press secretary was busy, so I was unable to get an open letter to the press. Man, am I hungry.

It's too bad there isn't some kind of device that would allow a person to talk to and hear another person at great distance. That might allow Hillary to reach Obama even more quickly. Alas, such a contraption would likely be tethered to a wall with a cord of some sort, and that would be impractical for communicating on the campaign trail. Besides, Obama's keeping such a low profile that it would probably be impossible to determine where to find him. I wonder if he's using Cheney's undisclosed location.

I wanted to send Hillary a letter and cheer her up. "Hey Hillary," I'd say, "my voice has been heard." But then I'm from Iowa, which is a Caucus State and therefore unimportant like small states, red states, and in general states-that-Hillary-lost. Furthermore, I voted for Obama, so Hillary is busy trying to convince delegates pledged to Obama from Iowa to unhear my voice (and that of others like me) and pick her instead. She especially wants superdelegates to unhear my voice and pick her instead. And that just makes sense. As long as I've been franchised once, that's good enough.

Some of you may be asking "What are superdelegates, anyway?" Apparently, it's very complicated, because the Clinton campaign decided to call them 'automatic delegates' for a while and then began insisting that all delegates are really the same and are endowed by their creator with the right to pick her for president. To simplify it all, the Clinton campaign is no longer calling these folks "pledged delegates" and "super/automatic delegates." Instead, she is now calling them all "mine," regardless of the voices that have already been heard.

So in summary, it's good that Hillary sent this impassioned plea via pony express to the remote land of Washington, D.C. to share her deeply held convictions with Senator Obama. It's vitally important that Michigan and Florida voters Have Their Voices Heard(TM) so that all of their "mine" can also be tallied for Senator Clinton.

I'll need you to excuse me now. I have to go to the bathroom, and if I don't get an open letter to my press secretary, I don't know how I'll be able to handle this urgent issue.