Palin

Well, the conventional wisdom about vice-presidential candidate picks is that a veep is chosen to get you one of two (and hopefully both) things:

1. Electoral votes... the governor of a very large state (or of a state that's "in play")
2. A person to serve the attack dog role while allowing the candidate at the top of the ticket appear magnanimous and above petty politics

Some also like the idea of "balancing" the ticket with somebody who complements the presidential candidate's ticket by emphasizing their strengths (like Al Gore's intellect and political acumen to parallel Clinton's) or plugging holes (like Dick Cheney providing foreign relations gravitas to the G.W. Bush candidacy).

Well, it turns out that McCain has added three more important qualities with the selection of newly-minted Alaska governor Sarah Palin:

1. Ovaries
2. Somebody who brings the average age on the ticket to somewhere south of 60
3. The Rush Limbaugh seal of approval
   

I have previously asserted the success and totality of John McCain's conversion from maverick to lap dog of the far-right wing-nuts. Decades of conservative (but rational and principled) stances on immigration, taxes, and treatment of prisoners of war have steadily evaporated during the time that it became apparent that no Republican presidential candidate in 2008 could succeed without at least grudging acceptance by those wacko minority of Americans who still think that Dubya is doing a great job.

Turns out I was wrong. The metamorphosis had yet to complete. Today, John exited the crysalis of the primary season and selected somebody with just slightly more experience in political office than, um, none. A few moments after the Democratic nominee's convention-closing speech, McCain continued his long-standing attacks on Obama's unreadiness to lead because of lack of experience. Around 12 hours later, he announces his pick for someone to be a heartbeat from the presidency.

Okay, now, he has officially finished the transformation from "party loyalty be darned" advocate of what makes sense to cynical Rove-operated candidate-bot. After spending the last weeks talking about his only criterion for a ticket-mate, suitability for the presidency, he suddenly said. "Look, all you disaffected Hillary supporters. Obama wouldn't pick a girl. I picked a girl! And she's totally young and attractive... just like Obama, all you young people. And she wants all our schools to teach Creationism, Darth Rove. Check it out, peeps! (Peeps—that's what they say now, right? Peeps?)"

As it turns out, twenty minutes as governor of the richest (and third least-populated) state in the union is waaaaay more experience than state senate, United States Senate, Harvard University, etc., especially when you consider that before that, she was mayor of a metropolis of over 7,000 people.

So now, I think I'm safe in declaring that John McCain is no longer the least bit independent in the dangerous, thinking-for-himself way. But for purposes of marketing to independents and moderates everywhere, he's still totally independent. So he's all changed up. Done. Finished.

Unless that torture thing comes up again.

Really.

The Hiring Manager

Meet Bob Amackara, a bright and talented young person who is applying for a promotion. He's one of two finalists for a position to turn around the United Services Association, a formerly-great business that is dangerously close to closing its doors. Let's listen in on Bob's final interview with the hiring manager, John Q. Municipal.

John Q: Let me be completely honest with you, Bob.... we love your ideas. And you're probably the most intelligent, articulate, and talented person I've seen in my time with the company. You look to me like just the kind of person to be wildly successful someday. But the problem is that you just don't have any experience.

Bob: I guess I'm confused. As we've talked, I gotten the sense that you agree with my assessment of the company—what got us into the spot we're in, and what it'll take to get us out. This company needs action now.

John Q: Absolutely right, absolutely right. Well, for example... it's no secret that the other person in the running for this job is Greg Hobusem, Jr. Here is a guy who has spent most of his life working for this company, instead of a few years, like you. He has a long reputation of being an out-of-the-box thinker. He's a little rough around the edges, but he really knows how to get things done.

Bob: I have to be honest: he's publicly climbed right back into the thinking box over the last year. He had to in order to curry favor with the board and get to the position he's in right now. He's shown great discipline and sense of responsibility in the past, but that's over. His plan for rescuing the company is doing just what our current CEO has been doing for the last decade or so... but more of it! He has committed himself to that path. Don't you believe this company is headed in the wrong direction?

John Q: Oh, of course! I'd say at least 80% of what we're doing is killing us. That's why we just can't afford to go with somebody who's not time-tested—a known quantity—at this crucial moment in our history. Don't forget: we don't just have our employees to worry about. There are plenty of other companies out there that would love to see us fail so they can dominate the market.

Bob: And they all smell blood in the water! The mismanagement that has crippled our morale and our ability to compete has encouraged continuing marketplace attacks. We all saw on the news how the Surias conglomeration just started a hostile takeover bid for our important business partner, Agie.org. I have to repeat: Greg's plans will do to this company exactly what his predecessor's plans did to this company, but faster and more severely. There's still time to get this right, but we have to change direction now.

John Q: Well, that last CEO sure has been a disaster. Can't believe that we renewed his contract. Who would have guessed he would have continued to be bad at what he was bad at before?! He just kept promising that if the board got rich, all the rest of us would get rich too, and that the company would thrive... all while spending an insane amount of money to develop those side projects.

Bob: And that's what Greg is promising. He'd like to a few change line-item names on the books and keep right on throwing cash at our biggest dead-end projects, but with fewer revenues. He's actually promising to make everybody richer still by ramping up exactly the policies that didn't work before.

John Q: Boy, that'd be nice. I'd really love to be rich. Compared to those board members, I'm positively destitute. I'm thinking this Greg guy is a pretty good choice.

Bob: Look. Even if the same approach that failed before magically started to work, this country's problems can't be solved by a single person. We have to start working together instead of breaking off into factions that keep trying to sabotage each other. United Services needs a leader who can inspire every single member of the company to commit themselves again to being who we are. We need someone who isn't beholden to the board or afraid to do something different than we've ever done before. We need someone with a new vision and the ability to engage everyone in that vision. You won't find someone with experience doing that because it hasn't been done since this company was founded.

John Q: I'm glad you mentioned experience, because that's really something we need. Take Greg, for example....

Bob: Listen, you dufus! Greg's experience is doing the kind of stuff that will kill us. He has been promising to do just that. He's excellent at it. If you want our company to fail, he's your man.

John Q: Well, I'm glad that you're starting to see my point. I really think he's our man, too—what with the experience and all. I can't wait for that getting rich to start so I can... hey, where are you going? We should probably finish up this interv.... Okay. Well, see you later. Maybe I can buy a boat after the project to cannibalize the structural support beams for paper clips finishes up. I sure do like me some money.