Bold new leadership that looks pretty much like what we've had for eight years

Yay! In a speech yesterday, John McCain laid out his "vision" for what will be accomplished during his first term as president. Vision is apparently what all the kids are saying now when they mean "campaign promise."

These campaign promises are different than the usual kind though, since they are made by a war-hero candidate with lots of legislative and foreign relations experience and a maverick brand. They're also different because it appears that he'll accomplish everything that Bush wanted to (and more) by using pretty much the same approach that Bush did. But this time—and this is the important part—he'll do more of it.

Here's an example: McCain really likes the war in Iraq. Don't get me wrong... he thinks that Bush terribly botched the job, but it was exactly the right thing to do. Remember the "surge" (surge being roughly defined as "do more of what you're currently doing, indefinitely")? It was McCain's idea. Remember the "Mission Accomplished" banner under which Bush was photographed? Small potatoes. John McCain hung his own future "Mission Accomplished" banner yesterday by saying that by the end of his first term as el presidente:

1. We win
2. Most of our troops will be out
3. Osama bin Laden will be caught or killed

Amazing! How will he accomplish these things? He doesn't say, but apparently by doing more of what hasn't won, gotten our troops out, or killed bin Laden so far.

But wait! There's more!

The Taliban will be on the run, the country will be prosperous again, taxes will be more fair because rich people and corporations will pay less, people who have lost their jobs will be all better now, public education will be fixed by killing it, and people who can't get insurance today probably will be able to because the government will continue to do mostly nothing to help and we all know that the free market has been a great success in that quarter.

Oh yeah, and the government will be much smaller, but the military will be much bigger. I'm a little hazy on this one, since I thought that the military was part of the government, but maybe that'll be outsourced, too. He didn't mention anything about the Haliburton Army or the Blackwater Marines, but I suppose that's a possibility.

There was a teeny-tiny disclaimer toward the beginning: "I cannot guarantee I will have achieved these things." Listeners may have lost that little point in amongst the other 99.71% of the speech, but it's a small thing. It's a vision, after all. And don't forget... we'll get all this by doing pretty much what we've always done before! I love visions.

To whom it may concern...

Have you heard? Hillary Clinton so deeply cares about the voting rights of people in Michigan and Florida that she sent Barack Obama a letter. (At least that's how it was spelled in the news reports, but I think that sometimes it's pronounced "propaganda" depending on whether you're from inside the Cult of Hillary or the rest of the known universe.)

If you hadn't heard, Michigan and Florida got this great idea and decided to hold their primaries before they were allowed to. The Democratic National Committee told them that if they did that, their primaries wouldn't actually do anything in selecting the Democratic nominee for president. Well, they did it anyway. And they've lost their delegates to the Democratic National Convention. (Wow. Who could have foreseen that? Other than mammals and a number of crustaceans.)

Anyway, Hillary is deeply concerned that these voters' voices will not be heard. So when she said "You know, it's clear this election they're having is not going to count for anything," and "I personally did not think it made any difference whether my name was on the ballot" on October 11 of last year, it was obvious that she was filled with outrage about the disenfranchisement of millions of voters.

Well, when your concern about America's voters reaches a certain critical mass, there's really no other choice than to write a letter and send it to the Senate office of your opponent. (Oh yeah, and also give a press release and the letter to the media.) That's what I always do when I want to get something done. I wanted to eat earlier today and didn't have any food in the refrigerator. Unfortunately, my press secretary was busy, so I was unable to get an open letter to the press. Man, am I hungry.

It's too bad there isn't some kind of device that would allow a person to talk to and hear another person at great distance. That might allow Hillary to reach Obama even more quickly. Alas, such a contraption would likely be tethered to a wall with a cord of some sort, and that would be impractical for communicating on the campaign trail. Besides, Obama's keeping such a low profile that it would probably be impossible to determine where to find him. I wonder if he's using Cheney's undisclosed location.

I wanted to send Hillary a letter and cheer her up. "Hey Hillary," I'd say, "my voice has been heard." But then I'm from Iowa, which is a Caucus State and therefore unimportant like small states, red states, and in general states-that-Hillary-lost. Furthermore, I voted for Obama, so Hillary is busy trying to convince delegates pledged to Obama from Iowa to unhear my voice (and that of others like me) and pick her instead. She especially wants superdelegates to unhear my voice and pick her instead. And that just makes sense. As long as I've been franchised once, that's good enough.

Some of you may be asking "What are superdelegates, anyway?" Apparently, it's very complicated, because the Clinton campaign decided to call them 'automatic delegates' for a while and then began insisting that all delegates are really the same and are endowed by their creator with the right to pick her for president. To simplify it all, the Clinton campaign is no longer calling these folks "pledged delegates" and "super/automatic delegates." Instead, she is now calling them all "mine," regardless of the voices that have already been heard.

So in summary, it's good that Hillary sent this impassioned plea via pony express to the remote land of Washington, D.C. to share her deeply held convictions with Senator Obama. It's vitally important that Michigan and Florida voters Have Their Voices Heard(TM) so that all of their "mine" can also be tallied for Senator Clinton.

I'll need you to excuse me now. I have to go to the bathroom, and if I don't get an open letter to my press secretary, I don't know how I'll be able to handle this urgent issue.

See? I'm winning!

I played a tough racquetball match this morning. There may be some who don’t yet know the story; I’m locked in a best-of-seven struggle to determine who will represent the Downtown YMCA in the cross-town tournament in November. After months of high expectations that I would crush my opponent in straight games, we split the first two. After that, my opponent has claimed to win the next four straight.

Many told me that it was over. “You can’t win a best-of-seven after losing four,” they told me. But I’m a fighter, not a quitter. Besides, I won more of the important points. And the game that I won was really the only fair one. And if we had used rally scoring (as is sometimes done in volleyball), I’d have more points in the other games, too. Also, many of the people watching owe me more than they owe my opponent. They say I’m winning, too. Some of them have defected and are supporting my opponent. They are traitorous, bad, filthy people, and when I become cross-town champion, they will be in the outer darkness, with much gnashing of teeth and rending of garment!

Though my opponent also thought he won, I insisted that we had not yet played seven games. What is he afraid of? The remaining games deserve to be played. My opponent agreed to continue playing, and guess what: I won again! Now it’s 2 games to 4. I’ve got him on the run now. The important thing to remember is that the Downtown Y needs to send its best possible player to the tournament. Our opponent will be Cliff, of the South Suburban Y. I think we can all agree that either Cliff or I would be a suitable cross-town champion, but is my opponent really the stuff of champions?

A number of people were hanging out with my opponent and talking about how much better the YMCA is than the Des Moines Racquet Club. Did my opponent say “Downtown Y representin’”? No. Was he wearing his “The Y rulez – DMRC drulez!” shirt? No. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen him wear it at all recently, and my friend Smitty heard him say that he thinks the shirt is a little “sophomoric.” What an elitist jerk! Is that the guy you want in the tournament?!

Yes, my game has some weaknesses, but Cliff has already seen them and knows which ones he will mercilessly exploit should we play. But we don’t yet know all of the hidden problems my opponent may have. His knee could blow out at any time. And I’m hoping that when I’m finished with him, he won’t be able to walk, much less play.

We ran out of time today, but we’ll finish up the series with the seventh game tomorrow. All but my most rabid fans have been telling me there’s no way I could win. We must stay the course. To do otherwise would embolden Cliff from the South Suburban Y. Only I can beat the South Suburbanites. I am not a quitter. And who knows? In tomorrow’s game, a strange flicker of the court lights could trigger a seizure in my opponent. He could bang his head into a wall and slip into a coma, thus forfeiting the match before we’ve finished all seven games.

Don’t forget that many of the points that my opponent already won have probably changed their minds. And when I continue winning some of the time, I’m pretty sure I can convince many of the remaining points to be on my side, as well as the existing points that have already gone to him. If I say that the rules permit that, it’s true. And that’s not to mention the number of “dead ball” rallies where neither one of us was awarded the points. If a majority or all of those points had been awarded to me, I would have won at least one more of those games, and my case to the remaining points would be stronger, too.

So I just want to let all of my fans know that I’m not quitting until this is over. I will continue on with my successes until I am declared the victor. I’m ready to be the cross-town champion on day one. So please give generously to sponsor my continuing quest for the championship, because it’s getting expensive to fund it all myself. Hello? Wait…. Where are you going?!

Just like McCain, but better!

The Clinton campaign has struck upon a brilliant plan over the last week or so: jump on the bandwagon of the Republican opposition, but add a new tax!

John McCain has been tromping through the United States on the "Please Somebody Pay Attention To Me Tour" for the last several weeks. The former champion of common sense has now toed the GOP line (the one labeled "promise to cut every tax there is, regardless of whether you have any way to pay for it"). His latest plan: shave just under 20 cents off of the price of a gallon of gasoline, which will make it oh-so-affordable. He says it's just for the summer, but we've heard how this song ends. Purportedly, this will save everyday folks lots of money and certainly won't increase how much people are driving (thus increasing demand, thus increasing price). Economic experts denounce it as a gimmick, and NY Mayer Michael Bloomberg calls it “about the dumbest thing I’ve heard in an awful long time...." (see FOX News).

So what's a Democrat to do? Well, if you're HRC, you sign on but make it even better. Hillary wants to do just like John, but tax Big Oil an equal amount instead. That's a great idea, because they'll never figure out that they can just pass the cost of the tax on to the customer. So with the new-and-improved Clinton Plan, we get the same upward price pressures from increased demand, but we give the petroleum industry incentive to raise the price, too. Brilliant! As we've seen while crude oil costs soared and Big Oil made record profits, Exxon executives will probably be bamboozled by this clever new Clinton ploy. Hey, is there still time for me to move to Indiana to vote for her?

And I can't wait for the GOP campagin ads in November if Clinton is the Dem nominee: "I stood against earmarks for years. This year, my opponent said 'Good idea. Me too!' I advocated the gas tax break, and my opponent said 'Good idea. Me too! But that'd be even better with a new tax.' During her primary race, my opponent said that I am qualified to be commander-in-chief, and that I understand the dangerous world we live in. Thanks for the help, Hillary. You've been very supportive of my administration's future direction. Maybe you'd like a job in my administration. I'm seriously laughing myself silly, and I approve this message."

Can you answer my question without using vowels?

My favorite question coming from TV's talking heads in recent days is: "Do you think that Obama will be able to get past this Jeremiah Wright issue?"

I'm wondering how many newspeople have to be asking the question at precisely the same moment to create an irony field so dense that a not even light can escape its gravity. The correct answer to that is, of course, "Apparently not during this question; let's try the next one." But here's what happens:

Newsguy/gal: Jeremiah Wright's latest comments have fanned the flames of controversy again. Mildred Townsend Harper-Machiavelli, a Clinton Supporter, joins us now. Mildred, do you think Obama can get past this?

Mildred: "Well, Americans understand that they will need to choose a leader with the experience to..." (recites talking points until the audience enters a communal coma).

Newsguy/gal: Also with us is GOP strategist Reggie "Chip" Bender. What do you say, Chip?

Chip: Well, I think Americans saw this coming. Every Democrat is a tax-and-spend liberal elitist who is out of touch with mainstream values. Obama is more pinko than all the rest of them combined. I mean, you saw him bowl. He sips his wine and has thoughts about things and doesn't festoon himself with flag pins and stuff like that.

Newsguy/gal: Isn't about half of America made up of Democrats? Wouldn't their values contribute to the "mainstream"? Besides, when was the last time you drank a Schlitz and went bowling? Also, do you have any points that are not on bumper stickers?

Chip: What?

Newsguy/gal: Sorry, I lost my head. I mean: do you think there is any truth to the report Obama likes to fantasize about Louis Farrakhan in S&M gear? I should point out that QNN was not able to independently verify that report, but we're still happy to pass it on.

Random Obama supporter: I'd like to talk about the ridiculous gas-tax holiday gimmick that McCain and Clinton are pushing to make it appear that they're doing something. I think Americans should know....

Mildred: Isn't that sweet! I'd love to hear you talk while I shake my head condescendingly and wear a sad little smile to show how misguided you are, but I had some more talking points I really need to cover dealing with Hillary's being fully vetted.

Newsguy/gal: I'm so sorry, but we're out of time. I'll be back tomorrow with a brand-new eight-part series called "Do you think Obama can get past this?" Coming up next, Jackson Hunter 720, with his feature on "Do you think Obama can get past this?".