McCain solves the health care crisis

I couldn't wait for today. Yesterday, I heard GOP presidential hopeful John McCain say that it is not the responsibility of the government to make sure the citizens of the world's richest and arguably most powerful country have health care. It's also not up to health care providers or insurers. It would be too disempowering if any of these groups were held to account for the problem (yeah, he really asserted that). The people who hold the key to fixing everything are... wait for it... families.

That's right, folks. You heard him correctly: "you're on your own."

The GOP poster boy for change-that-looks-exactly-like-what- we've-got-now delivered this message while announcing that he would unveil his plan for tackling health care today. I thought, "Really? How do you make that into a plan? 'You're on your own' sounds pretty much like a whole plan already. This guy must be a genius!"

As it turns out, he does have a plan. It turns out to be Giuliani's health care plan, but with more emphasis on blaming people who can't afford health insurance and less help to actually afford it. Here's how it works:

Let's say that you can't afford the estimated $12k that insurance will cost for the average family of four (as long as you have insurance through your employer; if you don't it'll probably cost a lot more than that). If you go out and buy that same insurance without the bargaining power of your company, John McCain will send $5000 of your money to the insurance company, hopefully bringing that cost down to somewhere around, oh, maybe $12k. See? Much more affordable!

But wait, there's more! From the McCain website, "Those obtaining innovative insurance that costs less than the credit can deposit the remainder in expanded Health Savings Accounts." Apparently, the McCain campaign looked up either "imaginary" or "worthless" in their thesaurus and found "innovative."

"But wait," you say, "that's not all there is to the plan." And you're right. The most important part of this plan is that it is a Faith Based Initiative(TM); that is, the plan requires deep religious faith in the proposition that invoking the mystical words "competition" and "market forces" will drive down prices. You may ask, "To force competition, wouldn't scads of people have to actually buy this stuff that they can't afford before it starts to drive down the price of stuff to the point where they can afford it?" Yes, you may ask that indeed. To tell you the truth I've never liked you. You're not sounding very faithful to me. Unbeliever!

The important thing about this initiative is that the Church of Rove believes that the government shouldn't simply take people's money (taxes). Taking your money really only works if the government then gives it to somebody richer than you. In this case, the government takes your money, calls $5000 of it a tax credit, and gives it to an insurance company whom you're already overpaying because you were empowered and bought it all by yourself without the clout of your employer to negotiate. Much better!

This strategy of taking your money to give to people who have more of it than you is crucial to the McCain candidacy and explains why it's important to make the Bush tax cuts permanent. You see, by reducing the corporate tax, the government can take from its tax revenues (including what you just sent in to the IRS a couple of weeks ago) and give money back to corporations. And don't forget the capital gains tax; when people sell their stocks and vacation homes, you'll contribute to their government givaways, too.

Yes, it turns out that I was wrong. John McCain really did have a plan for tackling health care. As you can see, all of those people who can't afford health care right now will be empowered by buying health care and having the extra that it'll cost them defrayed by the government sending their tax credit to the insurance companies. Gotta' have faith.

McCain: The conversion is complete

Well, it's happened. The Church of Rove has finally baptized its most resistant candidate for conversion. So much attention has been given to Obama's embarrassing clergy connections of late that the press has completely missed the story of the real epiphany. Under the benevolent eye of Pope George the Dubya, John McCain has been born again. The miracle became most evident in recent days, when Brother John recanted his heresy and declared potential presidential rival Barack Obama "out of touch" and "insensitive" to the plight of poor people because he doesn't support extending the Bush tax cuts that he earlier decried because they help rich people instead of poor people. Under a President McCain, the nation's neediest will be able to sell their boats, their rental properties, and their stocks without such a big tax penalty. Can I get an 'Amen!'?

The Spirit must really be moving when the ex-foe of irresponsible spending can't give away enough of the operating capital that runs the country. In addition to permanizing Bush's whole raft of tax bonanzas to the wealthy, Brother John wants to give everybody a couple of dollars back on every tank of gas. It'll be a real savings for the impoverished when they are filling up their Hummers and Escalades. Where's the money coming from? Who cares?! Let me hear a 'Haleluia!'

But Sinner-John's apostasy was never just about the economy. In February of 2000, the blasphemy rang out loud and clear: people who used a thin veneer of dogma and piety to justify hate, bigotry, and self-interest were called "agents of intolerance" by this intractable scoundrel. But never fear. Since the Straight Talk Express 2.0 left the station, McCain's reawakening has become evident. He has made speeches at Bob Jones and Liberty Universities. He even told the tempter Russert in April of 2006 that he no longer believed Jerry Falwell to be such an agent. Testify!

Evidence that the Spirit has descended on McCain continues on and on. McCain has abandoned comprehensive immigration reform, now saying that nothing else can be done until the border is 'secured' (that is until we've built a big wall, complete with razor wire, around the entire country and deported every last illegal). Campaign finance reform? You betcha'. Oh he's using the public financing system for his campaign (What are you crazy?! He could never out-raise that Obama character!). But it works better that way. He can use his paltry funds for 'respectful debate' such as "Hamas wants Obama; so vote your fears!" In the meantime, the RNC can spend unlimited amounts of money on 'issue ads' that question Obama's patriotism, religion, national origin, and whether he murders cute little kitties just for fun.

In another promising sign, McCain has exploited a loophole in his own former vice of campaign finance reform and has taken to flying around in private jet of his wife's company for much less than the going charter rate. Well, it's legal (because his wife owns the jet... even though they have separate finances and she isn't helping the campaign in the teeniest wat), but it does stick its thumb in the eye of the spirit of finance reform. Praise be!

At least Brother John has never wavered in his support of the Holy War in Iraq. He truly understands that the War on Terror is the only Way we can remain in power in perpetuity. Indeed, he has even taught Pope George a thing or two. "Stay the course" seems awfully wimpy next to "Heck... send 'em all in!" The wise expenditure of pretty much all of our military resources gives new meaning to the taunts of North Korea and Iran when they say "You and whose army?!"

Brother John's political foes pounce on his willingness to stay for 100 years, when everybody knows that he meant it was okay to stay for 100 years as long as people aren't being killed over there like they are now. (No word yet on when our continuing success in Iraq will yield people not getting killed there so the 100 years can commence. But I digress from my homiletic thread....) Where was I? Oh yes... Mazal Tov! Oops, sorry. I forgot that the Church of Rove digs Jews in a political sense only. Lost my head.

So anyway, take heart, Brothers and Sisters. That evil thorn in our side—who fancied himself a Maverick—is now a gelding. We are free once again to continue with the ritual sacrifice of those without trust funds on the altar of captiali democracy. Please turn in your hymnals to the Service of Rapturous Adoration of the Flag. Let's sing together "You're Either For Us or an Elitist."