...just eight years later

While running for president in the 2000 election cycle, George Bush promised us "compassionate conservatism." It somehow seemed to suggest that conservatism as we've come to know it somehow isn't compassionate. Weird... as if voters and politicians who identified themselves as conservative were intolerant and likely to paint their opponents as morally defective. "Compassionate conservatism" somehow seemed to contrast itself with the image of a party secretly run by an evil genius who crafts a 30-year plan to ultimate and permanent political power by dividing the country into groups and convincing one group that the other group hated God, America, and cute little babies and would like nothing better than to turn all of your relatives into gay hedonists who prefer French wine and spurn NASCAR.

Turns out that the new conservatism was way more repugnant than regular-old conservatism.

But just eight years later, compassion seems to have returned to the Republican party. Today, it became widely known that the 17-year-old daughter of new GOP dream-Veep Sarah Palin is pregnant and unwed. What did the conservative establishment have to say? Remember, these are the guys who told us that the 9/11 attacks were retribution from God because of gays and who decry Dems as seedy purveyors of moral relativism. See for yourself. It appears to be... compassion. Suddenly, a whole new group of people understands that families (even important, influential ones) are just doing the best they can. People make bad choices sometimes and mess up their lives. Sometimes, they make stuff a lot more complicated for their families. And their families generally do all they can to help them out.

I'd offer my congratulations to the "moral majority" for suddenly understanding what the rest of already did, but for two things:

1. How do you imagine the far-right establishment would have reacted were one of Barack Obama's daughters of the age and situation of Palin's?
2. How would these folks have reacted had Palin publicly announced that their daughter was not going to do "the right thing" in marrying the father and having the baby?

Maybe compassion only goes so far.

Palin

Well, the conventional wisdom about vice-presidential candidate picks is that a veep is chosen to get you one of two (and hopefully both) things:

1. Electoral votes... the governor of a very large state (or of a state that's "in play")
2. A person to serve the attack dog role while allowing the candidate at the top of the ticket appear magnanimous and above petty politics

Some also like the idea of "balancing" the ticket with somebody who complements the presidential candidate's ticket by emphasizing their strengths (like Al Gore's intellect and political acumen to parallel Clinton's) or plugging holes (like Dick Cheney providing foreign relations gravitas to the G.W. Bush candidacy).

Well, it turns out that McCain has added three more important qualities with the selection of newly-minted Alaska governor Sarah Palin:

1. Ovaries
2. Somebody who brings the average age on the ticket to somewhere south of 60
3. The Rush Limbaugh seal of approval
   

I have previously asserted the success and totality of John McCain's conversion from maverick to lap dog of the far-right wing-nuts. Decades of conservative (but rational and principled) stances on immigration, taxes, and treatment of prisoners of war have steadily evaporated during the time that it became apparent that no Republican presidential candidate in 2008 could succeed without at least grudging acceptance by those wacko minority of Americans who still think that Dubya is doing a great job.

Turns out I was wrong. The metamorphosis had yet to complete. Today, John exited the crysalis of the primary season and selected somebody with just slightly more experience in political office than, um, none. A few moments after the Democratic nominee's convention-closing speech, McCain continued his long-standing attacks on Obama's unreadiness to lead because of lack of experience. Around 12 hours later, he announces his pick for someone to be a heartbeat from the presidency.

Okay, now, he has officially finished the transformation from "party loyalty be darned" advocate of what makes sense to cynical Rove-operated candidate-bot. After spending the last weeks talking about his only criterion for a ticket-mate, suitability for the presidency, he suddenly said. "Look, all you disaffected Hillary supporters. Obama wouldn't pick a girl. I picked a girl! And she's totally young and attractive... just like Obama, all you young people. And she wants all our schools to teach Creationism, Darth Rove. Check it out, peeps! (Peeps—that's what they say now, right? Peeps?)"

As it turns out, twenty minutes as governor of the richest (and third least-populated) state in the union is waaaaay more experience than state senate, United States Senate, Harvard University, etc., especially when you consider that before that, she was mayor of a metropolis of over 7,000 people.

So now, I think I'm safe in declaring that John McCain is no longer the least bit independent in the dangerous, thinking-for-himself way. But for purposes of marketing to independents and moderates everywhere, he's still totally independent. So he's all changed up. Done. Finished.

Unless that torture thing comes up again.

Really.

The Hiring Manager

Meet Bob Amackara, a bright and talented young person who is applying for a promotion. He's one of two finalists for a position to turn around the United Services Association, a formerly-great business that is dangerously close to closing its doors. Let's listen in on Bob's final interview with the hiring manager, John Q. Municipal.

John Q: Let me be completely honest with you, Bob.... we love your ideas. And you're probably the most intelligent, articulate, and talented person I've seen in my time with the company. You look to me like just the kind of person to be wildly successful someday. But the problem is that you just don't have any experience.

Bob: I guess I'm confused. As we've talked, I gotten the sense that you agree with my assessment of the company—what got us into the spot we're in, and what it'll take to get us out. This company needs action now.

John Q: Absolutely right, absolutely right. Well, for example... it's no secret that the other person in the running for this job is Greg Hobusem, Jr. Here is a guy who has spent most of his life working for this company, instead of a few years, like you. He has a long reputation of being an out-of-the-box thinker. He's a little rough around the edges, but he really knows how to get things done.

Bob: I have to be honest: he's publicly climbed right back into the thinking box over the last year. He had to in order to curry favor with the board and get to the position he's in right now. He's shown great discipline and sense of responsibility in the past, but that's over. His plan for rescuing the company is doing just what our current CEO has been doing for the last decade or so... but more of it! He has committed himself to that path. Don't you believe this company is headed in the wrong direction?

John Q: Oh, of course! I'd say at least 80% of what we're doing is killing us. That's why we just can't afford to go with somebody who's not time-tested—a known quantity—at this crucial moment in our history. Don't forget: we don't just have our employees to worry about. There are plenty of other companies out there that would love to see us fail so they can dominate the market.

Bob: And they all smell blood in the water! The mismanagement that has crippled our morale and our ability to compete has encouraged continuing marketplace attacks. We all saw on the news how the Surias conglomeration just started a hostile takeover bid for our important business partner, Agie.org. I have to repeat: Greg's plans will do to this company exactly what his predecessor's plans did to this company, but faster and more severely. There's still time to get this right, but we have to change direction now.

John Q: Well, that last CEO sure has been a disaster. Can't believe that we renewed his contract. Who would have guessed he would have continued to be bad at what he was bad at before?! He just kept promising that if the board got rich, all the rest of us would get rich too, and that the company would thrive... all while spending an insane amount of money to develop those side projects.

Bob: And that's what Greg is promising. He'd like to a few change line-item names on the books and keep right on throwing cash at our biggest dead-end projects, but with fewer revenues. He's actually promising to make everybody richer still by ramping up exactly the policies that didn't work before.

John Q: Boy, that'd be nice. I'd really love to be rich. Compared to those board members, I'm positively destitute. I'm thinking this Greg guy is a pretty good choice.

Bob: Look. Even if the same approach that failed before magically started to work, this country's problems can't be solved by a single person. We have to start working together instead of breaking off into factions that keep trying to sabotage each other. United Services needs a leader who can inspire every single member of the company to commit themselves again to being who we are. We need someone who isn't beholden to the board or afraid to do something different than we've ever done before. We need someone with a new vision and the ability to engage everyone in that vision. You won't find someone with experience doing that because it hasn't been done since this company was founded.

John Q: I'm glad you mentioned experience, because that's really something we need. Take Greg, for example....

Bob: Listen, you dufus! Greg's experience is doing the kind of stuff that will kill us. He has been promising to do just that. He's excellent at it. If you want our company to fail, he's your man.

John Q: Well, I'm glad that you're starting to see my point. I really think he's our man, too—what with the experience and all. I can't wait for that getting rich to start so I can... hey, where are you going? We should probably finish up this interv.... Okay. Well, see you later. Maybe I can buy a boat after the project to cannibalize the structural support beams for paper clips finishes up. I sure do like me some money.

Bold new leadership that looks pretty much like what we've had for eight years

Yay! In a speech yesterday, John McCain laid out his "vision" for what will be accomplished during his first term as president. Vision is apparently what all the kids are saying now when they mean "campaign promise."

These campaign promises are different than the usual kind though, since they are made by a war-hero candidate with lots of legislative and foreign relations experience and a maverick brand. They're also different because it appears that he'll accomplish everything that Bush wanted to (and more) by using pretty much the same approach that Bush did. But this time—and this is the important part—he'll do more of it.

Here's an example: McCain really likes the war in Iraq. Don't get me wrong... he thinks that Bush terribly botched the job, but it was exactly the right thing to do. Remember the "surge" (surge being roughly defined as "do more of what you're currently doing, indefinitely")? It was McCain's idea. Remember the "Mission Accomplished" banner under which Bush was photographed? Small potatoes. John McCain hung his own future "Mission Accomplished" banner yesterday by saying that by the end of his first term as el presidente:

1. We win
2. Most of our troops will be out
3. Osama bin Laden will be caught or killed

Amazing! How will he accomplish these things? He doesn't say, but apparently by doing more of what hasn't won, gotten our troops out, or killed bin Laden so far.

But wait! There's more!

The Taliban will be on the run, the country will be prosperous again, taxes will be more fair because rich people and corporations will pay less, people who have lost their jobs will be all better now, public education will be fixed by killing it, and people who can't get insurance today probably will be able to because the government will continue to do mostly nothing to help and we all know that the free market has been a great success in that quarter.

Oh yeah, and the government will be much smaller, but the military will be much bigger. I'm a little hazy on this one, since I thought that the military was part of the government, but maybe that'll be outsourced, too. He didn't mention anything about the Haliburton Army or the Blackwater Marines, but I suppose that's a possibility.

There was a teeny-tiny disclaimer toward the beginning: "I cannot guarantee I will have achieved these things." Listeners may have lost that little point in amongst the other 99.71% of the speech, but it's a small thing. It's a vision, after all. And don't forget... we'll get all this by doing pretty much what we've always done before! I love visions.

To whom it may concern...

Have you heard? Hillary Clinton so deeply cares about the voting rights of people in Michigan and Florida that she sent Barack Obama a letter. (At least that's how it was spelled in the news reports, but I think that sometimes it's pronounced "propaganda" depending on whether you're from inside the Cult of Hillary or the rest of the known universe.)

If you hadn't heard, Michigan and Florida got this great idea and decided to hold their primaries before they were allowed to. The Democratic National Committee told them that if they did that, their primaries wouldn't actually do anything in selecting the Democratic nominee for president. Well, they did it anyway. And they've lost their delegates to the Democratic National Convention. (Wow. Who could have foreseen that? Other than mammals and a number of crustaceans.)

Anyway, Hillary is deeply concerned that these voters' voices will not be heard. So when she said "You know, it's clear this election they're having is not going to count for anything," and "I personally did not think it made any difference whether my name was on the ballot" on October 11 of last year, it was obvious that she was filled with outrage about the disenfranchisement of millions of voters.

Well, when your concern about America's voters reaches a certain critical mass, there's really no other choice than to write a letter and send it to the Senate office of your opponent. (Oh yeah, and also give a press release and the letter to the media.) That's what I always do when I want to get something done. I wanted to eat earlier today and didn't have any food in the refrigerator. Unfortunately, my press secretary was busy, so I was unable to get an open letter to the press. Man, am I hungry.

It's too bad there isn't some kind of device that would allow a person to talk to and hear another person at great distance. That might allow Hillary to reach Obama even more quickly. Alas, such a contraption would likely be tethered to a wall with a cord of some sort, and that would be impractical for communicating on the campaign trail. Besides, Obama's keeping such a low profile that it would probably be impossible to determine where to find him. I wonder if he's using Cheney's undisclosed location.

I wanted to send Hillary a letter and cheer her up. "Hey Hillary," I'd say, "my voice has been heard." But then I'm from Iowa, which is a Caucus State and therefore unimportant like small states, red states, and in general states-that-Hillary-lost. Furthermore, I voted for Obama, so Hillary is busy trying to convince delegates pledged to Obama from Iowa to unhear my voice (and that of others like me) and pick her instead. She especially wants superdelegates to unhear my voice and pick her instead. And that just makes sense. As long as I've been franchised once, that's good enough.

Some of you may be asking "What are superdelegates, anyway?" Apparently, it's very complicated, because the Clinton campaign decided to call them 'automatic delegates' for a while and then began insisting that all delegates are really the same and are endowed by their creator with the right to pick her for president. To simplify it all, the Clinton campaign is no longer calling these folks "pledged delegates" and "super/automatic delegates." Instead, she is now calling them all "mine," regardless of the voices that have already been heard.

So in summary, it's good that Hillary sent this impassioned plea via pony express to the remote land of Washington, D.C. to share her deeply held convictions with Senator Obama. It's vitally important that Michigan and Florida voters Have Their Voices Heard(TM) so that all of their "mine" can also be tallied for Senator Clinton.

I'll need you to excuse me now. I have to go to the bathroom, and if I don't get an open letter to my press secretary, I don't know how I'll be able to handle this urgent issue.

See? I'm winning!

I played a tough racquetball match this morning. There may be some who don’t yet know the story; I’m locked in a best-of-seven struggle to determine who will represent the Downtown YMCA in the cross-town tournament in November. After months of high expectations that I would crush my opponent in straight games, we split the first two. After that, my opponent has claimed to win the next four straight.

Many told me that it was over. “You can’t win a best-of-seven after losing four,” they told me. But I’m a fighter, not a quitter. Besides, I won more of the important points. And the game that I won was really the only fair one. And if we had used rally scoring (as is sometimes done in volleyball), I’d have more points in the other games, too. Also, many of the people watching owe me more than they owe my opponent. They say I’m winning, too. Some of them have defected and are supporting my opponent. They are traitorous, bad, filthy people, and when I become cross-town champion, they will be in the outer darkness, with much gnashing of teeth and rending of garment!

Though my opponent also thought he won, I insisted that we had not yet played seven games. What is he afraid of? The remaining games deserve to be played. My opponent agreed to continue playing, and guess what: I won again! Now it’s 2 games to 4. I’ve got him on the run now. The important thing to remember is that the Downtown Y needs to send its best possible player to the tournament. Our opponent will be Cliff, of the South Suburban Y. I think we can all agree that either Cliff or I would be a suitable cross-town champion, but is my opponent really the stuff of champions?

A number of people were hanging out with my opponent and talking about how much better the YMCA is than the Des Moines Racquet Club. Did my opponent say “Downtown Y representin’”? No. Was he wearing his “The Y rulez – DMRC drulez!” shirt? No. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen him wear it at all recently, and my friend Smitty heard him say that he thinks the shirt is a little “sophomoric.” What an elitist jerk! Is that the guy you want in the tournament?!

Yes, my game has some weaknesses, but Cliff has already seen them and knows which ones he will mercilessly exploit should we play. But we don’t yet know all of the hidden problems my opponent may have. His knee could blow out at any time. And I’m hoping that when I’m finished with him, he won’t be able to walk, much less play.

We ran out of time today, but we’ll finish up the series with the seventh game tomorrow. All but my most rabid fans have been telling me there’s no way I could win. We must stay the course. To do otherwise would embolden Cliff from the South Suburban Y. Only I can beat the South Suburbanites. I am not a quitter. And who knows? In tomorrow’s game, a strange flicker of the court lights could trigger a seizure in my opponent. He could bang his head into a wall and slip into a coma, thus forfeiting the match before we’ve finished all seven games.

Don’t forget that many of the points that my opponent already won have probably changed their minds. And when I continue winning some of the time, I’m pretty sure I can convince many of the remaining points to be on my side, as well as the existing points that have already gone to him. If I say that the rules permit that, it’s true. And that’s not to mention the number of “dead ball” rallies where neither one of us was awarded the points. If a majority or all of those points had been awarded to me, I would have won at least one more of those games, and my case to the remaining points would be stronger, too.

So I just want to let all of my fans know that I’m not quitting until this is over. I will continue on with my successes until I am declared the victor. I’m ready to be the cross-town champion on day one. So please give generously to sponsor my continuing quest for the championship, because it’s getting expensive to fund it all myself. Hello? Wait…. Where are you going?!

Just like McCain, but better!

The Clinton campaign has struck upon a brilliant plan over the last week or so: jump on the bandwagon of the Republican opposition, but add a new tax!

John McCain has been tromping through the United States on the "Please Somebody Pay Attention To Me Tour" for the last several weeks. The former champion of common sense has now toed the GOP line (the one labeled "promise to cut every tax there is, regardless of whether you have any way to pay for it"). His latest plan: shave just under 20 cents off of the price of a gallon of gasoline, which will make it oh-so-affordable. He says it's just for the summer, but we've heard how this song ends. Purportedly, this will save everyday folks lots of money and certainly won't increase how much people are driving (thus increasing demand, thus increasing price). Economic experts denounce it as a gimmick, and NY Mayer Michael Bloomberg calls it “about the dumbest thing I’ve heard in an awful long time...." (see FOX News).

So what's a Democrat to do? Well, if you're HRC, you sign on but make it even better. Hillary wants to do just like John, but tax Big Oil an equal amount instead. That's a great idea, because they'll never figure out that they can just pass the cost of the tax on to the customer. So with the new-and-improved Clinton Plan, we get the same upward price pressures from increased demand, but we give the petroleum industry incentive to raise the price, too. Brilliant! As we've seen while crude oil costs soared and Big Oil made record profits, Exxon executives will probably be bamboozled by this clever new Clinton ploy. Hey, is there still time for me to move to Indiana to vote for her?

And I can't wait for the GOP campagin ads in November if Clinton is the Dem nominee: "I stood against earmarks for years. This year, my opponent said 'Good idea. Me too!' I advocated the gas tax break, and my opponent said 'Good idea. Me too! But that'd be even better with a new tax.' During her primary race, my opponent said that I am qualified to be commander-in-chief, and that I understand the dangerous world we live in. Thanks for the help, Hillary. You've been very supportive of my administration's future direction. Maybe you'd like a job in my administration. I'm seriously laughing myself silly, and I approve this message."